She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
