i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
