Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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