I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
