Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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