just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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