what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
