his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
