If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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