I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
