Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
