Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Damn victory sex feels great
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