life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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