everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
