I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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