If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
