its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
