my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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