A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
