whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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