Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
