I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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