I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
