I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
