I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
