I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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