I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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