im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
