i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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