I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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