its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
