you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
