I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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