you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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