life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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