I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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