he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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