Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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