I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
