Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So squirting runs in the family.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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