Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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