So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize