Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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