Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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