Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
