Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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