Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
