she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
