Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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