My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
