She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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