There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
