I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
