I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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