It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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