I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My balls are so social today.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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