If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
